O Controversy

I belong to a listserv that is geared toward working moms in the metropolitan DC area.  It's quite a resource -- the other moms share childcare stories and tips, and generally discuss the work/life balance, which is a subject near and dear to my heart.  One of the most notable characteristics of the list is what it's NOT -- many of the moms have moved to this list from another DC-area list for moms, because they did not like the tone of some of the list members.  Although I have not witnessed firsthand discussions from the other list, I do appreciate that members of my list generally maintain civility even during a more controversial discussion.

Recently, however, there have been several discussions that have involved comparisons between stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) vs. working moms.  I must say that although the discussions haven't escalated into full-scale nastiness, there's been an undercurrent in many of the posts that I find distasteful and almost along the lines of what I'd imagine happens on THAT OTHER LIST.  It's too simplistic to take the "us vs. them" attitude that many moms on both sides seem to espouse.  Working or staying home is just one dimension of a woman's life.  There's so many other similarities and differences between women that I can't understand why some moms would unilaterally dismiss moms that have made different life choices.  Just because a mom has decided to work does not mean that work's more important than her kids, and just because another mom stays home does not mean that the kids are her only priority. 

But yet, it does seem as though the SAHM vs. working mom divide has become larger.  I have heard several moms say that their decision to work or not work has influenced both the development of new friendships (or lack thereof) as well as the continuation of old ones.  But I really don't get this!  What happened to people being friends with others that share similar interests?  Are we so defined by work in this culture that it's become the most important dimension of relationships?  I know this is DC -- workaholic capital of the world -- but come on!  Personally, I'd rather spend time any day with other women/moms that like the same things as me (art, travel, cooking, hockey... hmm, doesn't that last one seem a little out of place with the others?) than with moms that work but have different interests and values.

So as I leave my soapbox for the day, my final thought is this: moms of the world, reach out to the other women around you.  Do not judge because you can never know the full story behind a mom's decision to work or not work.  Cultivate common interests and learn to love one another as women and moms first.  We have enough issues in this world without all this infighting.

OK, enough of that.  Just had to vent in the privacy of my blog. 

Comments

[Amy]

I get a great deal of flack from both sides of the fence since I have a foot in each world. I'm a working mother- but I work part-time and often from home. I do occasionally travel, sometimes for three or four days at a time, for work and occasionally have to 'suit up' and go out to client sites. However, I do spend many more hours a day at home than some of my full-time counterparts.

It's tough- as mothers we are saddled with a big ol' heaping pile of guilt. We're pretty much screwed no matter what we do, if we rely on looking to others to validate what we're doing in our particular circumstances. Everyone has to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.

Why do we pick on each other? Maybe it's how we convince ourselves that our way is the right way? Maybe it's how we try to make ourselves feel better because god knows none of us are perfect, especially in that area where we grade ourselves so harshly- as mothers.

I do have to say that when I see someone whupping their kids in the grocery store, I have a moment of internal dialogue that goes something like: "See, at least my kids aren't being beaten in front of the frozen peas."

[Mom / Ma'am / Me]

Amy -- I do think you're right and it's a guilt thing. In order to justify our own choices and make our own imperfections seem better we magnify the issues of others. And I certainly have my moments of judging -- I am sure some is based in jealousy (where "how can she wear that?" really means "I wish my body looked as great as hers after 2 kids!"), and some is to validate our own choices, as you said. But I'm trying to work on it. Maybe putting it in writing will help.

And you're right that as a mom we're screwed whatever we do. Sometime I'll have to post about the mixed messages I was getting in my last job (which I left in January) -- and how I finally decided I didn't need that to deal with and got out.