R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me

I've been looking for a way to write about several things that have been happening in real life and around the blog world, and this morning it dawned on me how I could approach it.  Yesterday when I was in crazed Blog Frenzy Catch-Up Part 1 (blogs with titles M-R, I'm getting to you), one of my blog friends posted about how they wanted to make sure their children understand the meaning of integrity and use it as a guide for life.  I thought it was an excellent post, and rang very true to me -- I will strive to teach Mimi and Rosie to live their lives with integrity and purpose, to stand up for what they believe when they know it is the right thing to do, regardless of adversity.

But this week has shown me how important another personal value is: RESPECT.  Dictionary.com defines respect as follows:

1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3. To relate or refer to; concern.

I think if you have respect for people and you are respected, you have the critical moral grounding that you need to be successful in life.  Integrity is one component that can help a person to earn respect, but there are others: sympathy, loyalty, trust.  Notice that I said earn respect rather than the commonly used term command respect.  I do not automatically give people respect just because they are in a position of authority or power, and I do not find myself able to truly respect people that I don't care for.  To me, respect is the golden standard, the core of my value system. 

Here's some thoughts about respect and what it means to me, couched in the events of this past week.  Consider it Nancy's Code for Living.

• Respect means avoiding labels to malign or alienate others, and celebrating differences rather than condemning them. 

This gets to my thoughts on the whole "mom blogger" versus "mommy blogger" controversy that has been so highly debated in recent days.  (Kristen had a great post on it, but there's lots more out there.)  Demographically, I am a mid-30s, Caucasian (with western European lineage), agnostic, apolitical, female, upper class.  I am mom (or a mommy, who knows) by virtue of my childrearing status, I work out of the home in an office.  But I am a PERSON, and I think that none of the demographic factors and lifestyle aspects described above, when taken on their own, would adequately give you a sense of what I am like.  Past history, personality, genetics, daily moods come into play too.  So to those people who choose to disregard or be dismissive of certain blogs (or people, for that matter) just because they seem to fit into a category -- take a closer look.  Read carefully.  See what you have in common with the people you've chosen to dismiss. 

• Respect means being honest but considerate.  Think before you speak and act, and anticipate the consequences of a harsh word or action.  This does not mean you have to be politically correct and measured in everything you say, but it does mean that you should have a sense of when something you are about to say might be offensive to others. 

This also means learning how to respectfully disagree.  There was a firestorm of activity around Morphing Into Mama's recent post "False Advertising", which is too complex to recap here (but I'll share some more thoughts on the discussion itself below.)  What I loved to see was people who did disagree with the premise behind people's post, but kept their comments focused on the aspects of the discussion without invoking resorting to personal attacks on MIM.  That's childish and inappropriate, and plain cruel.

• Respect means being true to your word -- by doing what you say and saying what you do. 

If I give you my word that I am going to do something, you can be sure that I will do everything in my power to make sure it happens.  If you are my boss and I tell you that I will get something done, I'll do it -- you don't need to remind me several times.  You don't need to micromanage or check in or expect elaborate plans that you don't read just to have written "proof" that it will get done.  Similarly, I expect that if you promise something to *me,* you will deliver. 

In my personal life, if you are asking me to take back a promise I made to a friend, I will not do it without a valid reason.  And by valid I expect it to be life-and-limb kind of critical.  Your personal agenda does not take precedence over the previous commitment.

• Respect means honoring relationships. 

As I said, I do not automatically respect individuals who might be in a position of authority (such as a boss).  However, I will always act in a manner that is appropriate to our relationship.  I will be professional and considerate to my boss and chain of command under all circumstances, and expect the same in return.

In my personal life, I will be respectful of my friends and family by virtue of what they mean to me and the bonds we share.  MIM's aforementioned post resonated with me because the way she describes her relationship with her husband mirrors mine with J.  MIM and her husband seem to share a sense of mutual respect and shared commitment.  When MIM said she'd talk to her husband if he gained weight -- because she'd be concerned about him, that he might be depressed -- I found myself nodding.  In my mind, the main takeaway from the post was the fact that she respects their commitment to each other, and therefore would want to talk through any changes that might impact their relationship.  I like to think that J and I entered into that kind of commitment when we married -- that we'd consult each other on factors that could impact the relationship, and decide together where to go with them.  That's our way of honoring the marriage.  However, if you'll see the first bullet above, I totally respect the right of other people to have a different type of marriage than mine.

(Timely side note: another way of me being respectful is not blogging about it when J is being a total munch.  Believe me, I am tempted to sometimes, but we have discussed it and he has expressed a strong preference for this.)

• Respect means always being willing to listen.

I like to think of myself as a good listener.  I may not give good advice (in fact, advice definitely is not my strong suit!), but I always know how to lend an ear when it's needed.  I hope to teach my children that I will always, always have time to listen to them, no matter what the subject is that they need to talk about.  Likewise, I really respect other people that take the time to listen and understand when I need to talk.

And having said that, I will open the floor in case anyone wants me to listen. 

What do you think of this concept of respect -- are there other dimensions you would add?  Do you think respect is important?  Are there behaviors that you do and do not respect?

Comments

[mama_tulip]

This is a great post, Nancy. You write so well and get your thoughts across easily.

Respect is very important, in all relationships. I agree with everything you've said in this post (I, too, was nodding through most of it). And when it comes to respect I would like to receive what I give out. I listen, I trust, I care and love. I'd like that back in return, and if and when I don't, I don't feel respected. And I respect myself enough, and the person involved, to try and broach the subject with them politely and in an adult manner if the time is right.

(I hope this makes sense. I'm very sleep deprived right now. LOL.)

[jess]

You're so awesome Nancy.

That's all for now. (I too am doing the blog catchup.)

[chilihead]

Respect is the overriding lesson in everything at my house. I can appreciate everything you discussed today. Great post!

[Self-Proclaimed Supermom]

Wow, I am at a loss for words. What a great post.

[Julie]

I can't think of a thing to add, except how wonderful I think you are.

(Didn't read MIM's post/coments, but read/commented on the link at blogher.org)

[Jamie]

Wow....excellent post from an excellent writer. My comment doesn't reflect the depth of your post, but I agree with many of your viewpoints. Alan and I have a deep respect for each other. That doesn't always mean we "like" each other or each other's actions, I respect him and, like you, wouldn't blog about our differernces in opinion unless I gave him the opportunity to blog about me. I'm trying to be a better listener. I think being a mom brings out a lot of "respectful" qualities -- empathy, listening, etc.

[Jennifer]

I liked your addition of listening, as a requirement of respect. I am terrible at listening, wonderful at rambling. I find that I am able to drudge up my listening patience, however, for those people in my life I respect.

[Dani]

Great post. I absolutely agree.

Lately there have been some real firestorms on the blogger world. While I don't agree with all of MIM assertions, I did think that many of the comments crossed the line and can understand why she decided to turn off her comments.

[broominyaya]

This is my first time visiting you blog. Love it. And HERE HERE about respect.

I JUST blogged about this very issue myself a few days ago. Trying to teach my kids to not only respect - but what it means to be respected.

Thanks!

[Kristi]

Nice, Nancy. I think you wrapped up just about everything. Of course, this all begins with respect for ourselves, which sometimes for me, is one of the hardest things to conquer.

[kvetch blogger]

Nancy, This isn't really a comment on this post - its a comment on a comment you left on my blog - but I don't see a way to email you directly. I understand not wanting emails from ALL your loyal fans - but I wanted to thank you for commenting and that having what I say be meaningful to someone besides myself is what its all about. I am glad that my experience and insight made you think. And I hope that you have the courage to do what you said! Let me know how it goes. --Amy

[stacy]

Well said (or written!) Respect is sorely lacking in kids these days. I work at a gymnastics facility part-time and a 4 YEAR-OLD called one of our instructors a BITCH! My mother would have bitch-slapped me back in the day!

[Mignon]

When I worked in the high-tech field disrespect was widespread and accepted. It was appalling the way supervisors were allowed (and encouraged) to treat their employees. I felt like I had to stand up for myself daily against my school-yard bully boss. I vowed I would never treat another human the way he treated us.

This week Madeleine is on spring break, and I woke up to the fact that she's developing a little attitude. Flashes of my ex-boss keep coming back to me. I'm sure she thinks I'm being harsh, but I will not raise a child that speaks to adults in that snotty tone we all know too well.

All that was just to say, excellent post Nancy. Well-written and thoughtful, and a boost for me and my battle with my 4-year-old.

[MIM]

All I can say is WOW. That was a really, really well written post.

And, yes, I am SO thrilled that you got what I was saying!

I'll be back!

[TB]

Nancy, your insight is really lovely. I don't know what is going on with you this week, but my wish for you is that you are treated with the same understanding and respect in all apects of your life that you share with others.

[Izzy]

Excellent post! You a truly insightful (and gifted).

[Dawn]

Hi. Nice post. I found your blog through a link on Moonshine. I have heard of your blog before and I am glad I checked it out. :)

[kittenpie]

I totally agree with you that everything grows out of the core concept of respect. If you respect other people and their right to be who they are and do what is right for them, you blow right past petty things like racism, sexism, snobbery, bullying, abuse, etc. What a world that would be...

[Kristen]

Wow Nancy, you are on a roll!

I think respect is something SO important. Respecting others - and respecting yourself. Being honest and true to yourself.

There's so much to grasp there. I need to read it again!

WOOHOO.

[Shannon (Sentimental)]

Gosh respect I think is important on every single level of life and with almost any relationship. As we grow we learn that respect is a huge factor in everything, that includes getting it as well as giving. In the blogging world it is hard to determine respect and even intention at times. I try and read tones as much as I can before I click a blog good bye forever. Easier said than done.

But I like this post and it taught me so much about Nancy. That is the hardest in the blog world, figuring out who it is who you are becoming attached to. I am glad to see where you come from and we agree on many many levels.

[Owlhaven]

Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Mary, mom to many