Giving up the blog?

Gawd, I sound so dramatic.   And I know, blogging about blogging can be a yawner.  But I've gotta get some stuff off my chest.

No, I'm not going to give up my blog right now.  But I have been thinking about it on and off, honestly, and the whole blogroll discussion and Izzy's excellent post on the politics of blogging. 

Before I went on vacation, I had a bunch of thoughts running through my head, no lie:

• Could I still go to BlogHer if I quit blogging before then?
• Would the people I was supposed to meet at BlogHer (and other bloggers I'm scheduled to meet up with IRL) even want to hang out with me if I did quit blogging?
• Could I somehow give up the blog and still maintain connections with the people I've met?

I love the writing aspect of the blog.  I love recording things for posterity, memories that my feeble brain would not otherwise retain.  And the social aspects of becoming part of a community were completely unexpected, but such a pleasurable thing.

But with the social benefits of any community come the disadvantages.  Perceptions of cliquiness, the struggle for popularity/recognition, disputes between bloggers that become public and ugly, worrying about stats and blogrolls and comments.  All have been written about extensively, by people with more skills than me.  For example, Izzy references the post by Scarbiedoll which got a lot of people talking about the cliquiness of blogging.   While I agreed with some of the points she made, I sort of feel like taking the anti-cliquey-blog stance is kind of a cliquiness in and of itself.  You know, the "you're either for me or against me" kind of thing.  I am not sure that was Scarbiedoll's intention, but I got that impression.

I think the problem is, I don't want to be in ANY clique -- popular bloggers, unpopular bloggers, what have you.  I want to connect with individuals.  It's nice to be part of a group, but want to know "why can't we all get along?"  Why do we have to pick on the big bloggers and shun the little ones?  And why do we care if we're on a blogroll or not, if people read what we write or not?  (Specifically, why do I care, if I'm writing for myself as I declare I am.)

Despite my concerns about cliquiness -- I like to deny it's there, but I guess that's because I don't consider myself to be in any particular clique -- I have made excellent friends by blogging.  I do consider my blog friends a part of my life.  But since I have so many sites I read and people I actually, really like, it's hard to keep up.  I don't keep up with my REAL LIFE friends to the extent I do my blog friends.  And in a huge way, my blog friends are my real friends too -- in many cases I could describe more easily what you all are up to as opposed to some of my closer friends who I know outside of the blog.  So if I give up the blog, I probably will lose the connection.  Because it would stand to reason that although I'd be coming around and commenting on other blogs, you all wouldn't have as much insight into me anymore -- is that then an even relationship?

And then I worry: are the blog friendships I've made real?  It seems like they are to me.  I've interacted with several people outside the forum of the blog, through physical mail, direct e-mail, even an IM conversation or two.  But I've never met a blogger in real life.  To some people, this wouldn't constitute a real relationship -- because I haven't looked into another person's eyes.  But I think in some cases I've gotten closer to blog friends, shared more information about myself with them, than I have with many of my neighbors or coworkers or other friends.  And one of the nice things about blogging is that you can connect with people who are much more like you than the neighbor you only hang out with out of desperation (because you really have nothing in common and when you get together you never have fun because she TALKS CONSTANTLY...)  But I digress.

What's my point.  Do I have a point?

Ah yes.  I am weighing the amount of time and energy I spend on blogging against the disadvantages of letting it go.  Because I view blogging as a form of collaboration and relationship building, it takes time to read posts and comment and think of my own posts and respond to e-mail.  I try not to let it interfere overly with "real life" but it doesn't always work that way.  But if I give it up, I am afraid I will lose the relationships that have developed because of it.

I guess the concept of the blogroll is one symptom of this idea that I've been thinking about... can I change some of the constructs of my blog now, so I can continue to blog but with the enthusiasm and simplicity that I started with?  Where it's really about just writing and not worrying about coming up with the most witty or perfect thing to say, where I'm thrilled with just 5 comments, where I don't wonder if a favorite blog friend is upset with me if they don't comment on a particular post?  Where I can set the damn laptop down and not keep checking my e-mail every 10 minutes to look for new comments?

What would I gain?  What would I lose?

Edited to add: Murphy's Law would dictate that JUST as I hit save on this post, my B-List Swag Bag package was delivered.  Proof positive of a kick-ass group of chicks that I've befriended in the blogsphere, and an example of what I would lose.  Blog 1, Nancy 0.

Comments

[Wendy]

Nance, i know what you mean - personally, i feel like you do - i love the people i interact with but i can't keep up with the whole 'popularity' aspect - i write for me - the people who enjoy it, great..but i hope you don't give up blogging because you are one of my absolute favorites to read...hang in there girlie..

[Mom101]

This is wonderful--pshaw at those who "say it better than you."

I think if it's the writing you like, turn off the sitemeter and close comments. But it seems like it's the connections you like, in which case you have the right idea. Write when you want, focus your relationships on those you really connect with, and don't worry about the rest. You can't please all of the people all of the time. Especially people you don't actually know. and ESPECIALLY if it keeps you from your real life relationships.

The truth is, you may meet any of us in person and realize we ARE those people who talk a lot (especially after a few glasses of wine). Blogging forces a dialogue where there may not be one in real life.

I learned that the hard way. Through internet dating. Ha.

Go to blogHer. Even as a reader if nothing else. Please?

[mothergoosemouse]

My friend Kari - www.karianna.us - went to BlogHer last year even though she had not yet relaunched her blog. She had a great time and is now back to blogging. Perhaps BlogHer will serve as an inspiration for you.

And I referred to Kari as my friend. Just as I refer to you as my friend. Because that's what you are.

[Amy]

Nancy,

I've been 'blogging' for a long time now. I started when I got pregnant with Avery- and she's 3+ now... I still blog for the same reason I started out blogging- and that was to keep a record, both of our day-to-day happenings and of my humanity. My goal was that my girls get to read all my spew someday and realize that Mommy was a human being. And also, maybe to give them something to take to their respective therapists or trials and say "SEE! This is why I turned out like this!" But really, I've always viewed the friends, the comments- all that as bonus. Maybe it will help you if you get some clarity as to your purpose. It's hard to get somewhere if you don't know where you want to go- I struggle with that conecpt in horseback riding and life. :) Do you blog for the community/belonging, do you blog for psychological decompression, do you blog for posterity? What is important to you? I'd say, if it's about how many comments you're racking up then maybe you do need to STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD! You are a hip chick and a cool mama and an excellent friend- you don't need to win a popularity contest for validation.

And to answer at keast one of your questions, if you never blogged again, I'd still want to meet you and still want to be your friend and still appreciate your comments. I wouldn't have reading your blog to look forward to, but it really is just a means to an end- a vehicle, if you will, not a destination in and of itself.

Just my .02. You know, it's not a day if I'm not sticking my foot in somewhere.

[madge]

I generally try to stay out of blogging discussions. For me, ruminating about the "culture" takes away from my main focus, the writing. All the navel gazing about commenting and blogrolling, etc, etc, etc, seems irrelevant when compared with the fact that you've made friendships that both you and the other parties know are real.

I think this quote says it all: "I don't want to be in ANY clique." I say take the blogroll off your site, keep up with people on Bloglines and don't worry about doing the tit-for-tat commenting. It will probably take some of the pressure off. A person doesn't have to comment on every post to make a connection.

On days when I have a lot of work, I'll only allow myself to check blog email three times a day (which I can't believe is SO hard). But it does curb the feverish comment checking.

Nancy, I'd still consider you a friend whether or not you kept up a blog. And your ass better be at blogger. I'm not hauling ten extra pounds all the way to San Jose to miss out on YOU!

[madge]

Of course, I meant BLOGHER.

[Stephanie]

Oh, I hope that you don't give up blogging (but I would understand if you do).

I went through some of the process that you did several months ago (although I couldn't find the right words to say it like you did), but had a good chat with two of my blog-friends who shared their "damn the politics and popularity" philosophy with me. It inspired me, and now I just try really hard to focus on what I'm writing, and what my blog friends are writing, rather than all the other stuff that can come along in this community.

I know there's a whole political world swirling about me in regards to blogging, but at this point in my life I don't have any energy to change it or worry about it.

This isn't to say that I've found the answers, it's just that for me if blogging ever becomes something I worry about, or lose sleep over, or not have fun with, then that'll be the moment I stop blogging.

So, that's my philosophy, but who knows whether or not it's a good one :)

Oh, I had an idea for your blogrolling bit: what if you just made your Bloglines account public and then linked that here? You could even have folders to help out with the organization part. Just an idea that seems like less work that creating a new one here (and I'm all about less work!).

[Jess]

What Madge said.

She is very wise.

[Nancy]

Thanks, everyone. I think it's my undergraduate focus on culture (Communication was part of my major) that gives me the focus on the medium and the process as well as the end result. Yeah, I'll blame it on the academics.

It's interesting because as I told a blog friend privately, I don't care about the statistics, the number of comments, the visitors. I don't care even if other people blogroll me or not. I just want to feel like I'm making a real connection. And obviously I've done that with many bloggers.

So maybe I'll just give up all the blog constructs for now (well, probably not the comments) and make a decision the blog itself at a later date. But I'm not missing BlogHer, no matter what.

[Dawn Isaac]

I have thought about giving it up. Instead I have moved several times lol. I would still be your friend if you didn't blog (probably would get a ton more email from me too! lol).

A counsellor I saw this year claimed blogging was "dangerous" and that I didn't know the people who read my blog. I have not seen him again lol! I get where he is coming from, but friends are friends...

*off topic* I will be seeing a psychitrist next week! Referral didn't take 6 months after all. Will post about it later maybe.

[Jenny]

I would totally miss you if you stopped posting. Even though we've never talked I still consider you to be a friend and it would be like you moved away forever. Sigh...

[mamatulip]

I go through phases where I think I should throw in the towel, and wonder if my writing is "good enough". I compare myself to other, seemingly blogs and wonder what they have that I don't.

Then I step away from the computer. I take some time and come back to my blog feeling refreshed.

Blogging is fun. It should be fun all the time. If it's not fun for you, take a break...I mean, I'd miss you like fucking crazy, but do what YOU need to do. For Nancy.

[Kristi]

I can see how it gets to be too much. I am trying to remember why I started and not give into all the politics. I blog for me, not anyone else. But, as you stated, the relationships were an unexpected nicety and to say it is all about me, that is not true.

Nancy, if it is stressing you out, then it is not worth it anymore. You could blog less, don't add a single soul to your blogroll and try to keep your head above water, but unless you are satisfied, then it is all not worth it.

I have slowed down considerably in my writing, though I am still reading. I fear this summer with the move and settling and everything else, I won't write at all and surely fall out of the graces of all the people who I have encountered, even though I will still be reading them.

You do what you have to and what you feel is right!

[wordgirl]

I allowed myself to sort of "get sick of the whole thing" and then I was able to reach a neutral place. Not that I got sick of blogging or reading blogs, but I allowed myself to reach a saturation point so that I was able to back away for a day.

OR Post something really strong and then force yourself to let it ride for three days. Do a little cold turkey exercise. Allow yourself to read all the blogs you want but only to comment on a couple. Maybe the distance will allow you to see that you CAN back away and find a good bit of middle ground.

[bon]

HA! Just try and quit... you've just been written up by Amalah on the Daily Dose. Glad to see that you are gettin' your props.

[Jamie]

What if you took a blog sabbatical? I've made friends through blogging who I consider to be women I could call up or e-mail and say, "Hey! I'm going to be in your city. Let's have a drink or coffee or whatever." That is priceless. Blogging is about writig and about connection. It may be online, but it is a connection nonetheless.

p.s. I hope Rosie's procedure went well!

[Izzy]

I would hope this goes without saying but I consider you a friend with or without a blog attached to the equation. No matter what you decide, you better be at BlogHer.

But given your current frame of mind, you might consider what others have suggested and disengage from some of the things that contribute to your feeling overwhelmed. I don't think it will affect your relationships because your friends will understand.

I have to admit that on June 1st I turned my comments off for the whole day and it was SO liberating. Same thing with dumping the blogroll and Blogtopsites.

Try them out one at a time and see if it helps but DON'T GO AWAY unless you really have to because you will clearly be missed :)

[stefanierj]

I'm just back from my blogabattical and Lordy, it was just what I needed. None of the people I consider "friends" abandoned me while I was gone, and I think anybody who'd be pissed that they weren't hearing enough from you on your blog is #1 just not freaking grateful enough for your pithy comments, and #2 just plain SELFISH. (which I am, too--which is why I can say I'd hate it if you stopped blogging, but it wouldn't change my adoration for you--heck, it would take a lot more than that for you to get rid of me!)

My fears about the blogabbatical were that a. I would see that part of the reason I took a hiatus was because I was getting too wrapped up in precisely the politics you describe and b. because no one would miss me. The nice thing is that figuring out that A was true meant that B didn't bother me! :)

[Elizabeth]

Nancy,

What you and others have wrote on this topic is very interesting. I had no idea when I started my blog that it would become so important to me. I absolutely think of you and the other ladies I've been corresponding with for almost a year as my friends. I feel we have come together in a sort of community that means different things to each of us.

As for the blogroll issue, the reason I don't worry about whether or not I am on someone's blogroll or not is because I know that this is a community made up of different individuals. There are people on my blogroll that aren't on yours, people on yours that aren't on Julie's, and so on. If there was no such thing as a blogroll, I would still come here to read what you have to say because I like the way you write.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is what it will be like to meet everyone at BlogHer. You see, when I write a blog post or leave a comment, I have time to think about what I want to say. I can look things up on Google and then sound a lot smarter than I am. In real life, I am nowhere near as articulate or smart, especially while drinking.There's a good chance that after a few hours with me, listening to me interrupt you constantly because I get so excited my mouth runs a mile a minute, that you will decide I'm not so great after all!

If you need a break, take one. I will still email you and make plans to meet you at BlogHer, where you absolutely belong even if you're on a blog break. You should do what feels right to you. I'll still love you, promise!

[Mommy off the Record]

Wow, everyone has provided some good food for thought already. My thoughts on this are:

1) Ditto everything that madge said.

2) If you like blogging but the politics are getting to you, perhaps you can create some new "blogging rules" for yourself that will make blogging more fun/less stressful. Like if you feel that it's taking too much time from your life to blog, maybe make a "rule" for yourself that you'll only post 2-3 times a week and you'll only visit x blogs per day.

3) Go to BlogHer even if you decide you won't be blogging anymore. I can tell you've made a lot of REAL friends in the blogospher--and how fun would it be to meet them in real life. Plus, you could still maintain your relationship with them by visiting their sites even if you decide not to blog yourself anymore.

4) I hope you keep blogging because I like your site and I would like to get to know you better!

Well, just my thoughts. (btw, I can't go to BlogHer myself even though I live 2 hours away. Boo hoo!)

[Claudia]

Hey! Don't stop blogging! You're hilarious, and this is a great creative outlet for you! A way to unwind and gripe about things that in real life you would deam too personal or petty. Or both.
Don't give up on us! We love you!

[Becki]

Oh, Nancy. I also feel like I've built me a little blog community and been neglecting to tend it. I haven't posted on my personal blog in two weeks, I've barely read my friends' blogs, much less commented. I don't feel like my blog is well-known enough to be a part of any clique, but it is disheartening that some of the same stuff that dogged us in junior high has followed us over to the internet.

I really hope you don't stop blogging. But don't worry about losing your 'net friends if you take a break. Real friends don't disappear when you log off. Also, I know where you live, remember?

[V]

I've been thinking a lot about stopping blogging for a while at least also. I've been so busy that its languishing anyway. But then I think...why would I give it up? Because most of my readers know I've gone into seclusion? I didn't even think I'd have ANY readers when I started so it doesn't seem like a good reason to stop altogether. So mostly I've just been trying to temper the guilt that I haven't been able to keep up like I used to (and even then I was a still a piss poor commenter)...with writing or reading, and know that its there when I need to write...because that's what it was in the first place. I've *decided* that there's no shame in backing off a little. I'll write when I want/need to...not everday just to keep people reading. Yuh know?

And we all love you Nancy, so I hope you won't stop all together either....I'd miss you...even iff you kept up commenting. I'd wonder how the girlies were...if you recently went postal on any health care folk.... :)

[Mom101]

Nancy has a girlfriend, Nancy has a girlfriend.... (and her name is amalah.)

Nice shout-out on club mom!

[Isabel]

I know what you're saying. And you gotta do what you gotta do!

(but I say...don't stop blogging!)