True Cat Confessions

Well, I know it looks like I am jumping on the bandwagon here, but I am providing a very important service to the feline family members that we know and love.  Or that we don't know and despise, or some combination thereof. 

Disclaimer: any similarity between the confessions provided herein and the activities of real life cats is strictly coincidental.  So don't be paranoid that your cats are informing on you.

#001

I pride myself on camouflaging my turds as edible items and placing them strategically around the house where they wait for an innocent bystander to pick them up and chew (and chew, and chew, and then hopefully vomit).  They certainly don't call them "shitake" mushrooms for nothing.

#002

Yes, I realize that it's a $2500 sofa that I'm scratching on.  You can't buy me off with some cheap scratching post that you bought at a dumbass store called Pet Carnival.  Please.  I'm not stupid, and I'm not the kind of cat that can be bought.

#003

I know you tell people I'm standoffish because "that's how cats are."  Newsflash for you, babe: I DON'T LIKE YOU.  You smell like cigarettes and rotten vegetables, and when you talk to me in that baby voice I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

#004

That cheap tuna fish you buy when it's on sale?  Is F-O-U-L.  I know you think I barf it up because I love it and eat it too fast, but that crap makes me violently ill.  Could you please splurge once in a while and get me a can or two of the good stuff?  I love me some Fancy Feast.

#005

It's not your boyfriend that smells.  There's a dead mouse trapped under the bed where he accidentally got wedged a week or so ago when I was "playing" with him.  Sorry.

#006

I could have walked 2 feet more to puke on the linoleum floor, but it's much more fun to see your reaction when I hurl my cookies all over the expensive (and light-colored) carpeting.  Double bonus for me if I can get someone to step in it and track it all over the house -- that really brings the exciting reactions!

#007

No, I am NOT sorry that I bit the veterinary assistant.  You'd bite someone too if they had their fingers so far up your ass that you could feel fingertips touching the back of your mouth.  I'll do it again if I have to.

#008

I know very well that I'm not supposed to hiss at, scratch, or bite the human child.  But please, just once?  I am tired of those little sticky, sweaty hands pulling my fur here and there.  That little one wouldn't even know the difference if I bit off her fingertip -- hey, she doesn't use that index finger for anything anyway except picking her nose -- but I'd have peace for the rest of my days.  What do you say?

#009

I wouldn't talk trash about my litter box if I were you.  I've smelt what you've dealt and it's not pleasant.

#010

I pee in your tub, bitch.  I know you like to think I'm in there waiting for the faucet to drip and stroking the water stream with my tongue.  Well, I do that too, but my real pleasure in life is to lift my leg and leave a little warm puddle behind, then imagine your cluelessness as you accidentally step in it.  Too bad I can't bear to watch 'cause I'd have to see your flabby ass all hanging out.

Comments

[mothergoosemouse]

Nancy, I am crying with laughter. Thank you for reminding me why I'm in no hurry to get another cat. And thanks for the True MIL Confessions link love. (Should it be True DIL Confessions, since we're the ones confessing?)

[madge]

I'm peeing (not in your tub). This is hilarious. My favorite set of confessions so far.

[Mother]

I really think you are onto something.

Pure brilliance woman.

[Smokey]

Do you two by any chance like to lick faucets? There's one dripping over here RIGHT NOW and you could leave some turds in the tub and everything.

[stefanierj]

OH MY GOD. This is the funniest. post. ever. Seriously. Since it's only August 2, I'm sure to forget to nominate it for Perfect Post, but somebody pinch me if I do, because this had me ROLLING.

Dude, I LOVE you.

[Shannon (Sentimental)]

Too funny! Love it. Thanks for the card. That was so sweet of you and such a suprise. Pop on over, I got another suprise.

[Shannon (Sentimental)]

Okay is surprise spelled surprise or suprise? And I am an english major...geez.

[Mayberry]

OK, what totally made this for me was the "Sorry." on #5. Meow!

[TB]

Pure genius. You crack me up :o)

[mamatulip]

You crack me right up. Number three has me wiping tears away. For true.

[Chris]

LMFAO

Brilliant.

[jenfromboston]

Dude, you are too warped for words.

Also, that was awesome. Genius. Seriously genius.

[lildb]

Hi. I'm into cats who hate their owners. Would you be interested in some late-night, dark-alley action, perchance? I know how to lick a faucet like you wouldn't believe. I'm also skilled in cleaning my bits thoroughly, in full public view, followed by dragging that fecal-riddled tongue across my owner's cheek. Lastly, I excel at peeing immediately next to the freshly-changed litter box, in full view of my owner.

See? You wouldn't dare turn your pink nose up at these kibbles. Not if you know what's good for you, that is.

love,
Madame Lucyfur le Chat.

[Elizabeth]

#007-HAHAHAHA! I knew my cat was evil, these just prove it. You are so, so funny!

[Dawn]

So this is what drinking and smoking unleashes in you? I like, I like.

I want to hear the confessions by the cats who watch their owners have sex. Now THAT would be confessions!

[kittenpie]

I love this. Cracking up over here. Seriously, this is some good shitake...

[petite mommy]

These are hilarious! I'm loving them !

[Amy]

VERY VERY FUNNY, Nancy!

[bon]

WAH hahahaha! Cats... naughty wee minxes.

[V-Grrrl]

My cat is Purrfect. She is definitely not playing with y'all's cats--ever.

My kids, however, are another story.....

[Jamie]

This is why I'm a dog person, although I'm sure they talk smack about us, too. ;)

[Chase]

Heeeeeeheheh! LOVE it! My cats and those cats totally need to have brunch.

[Domestic Chicky]

OMG-I'm laughing so hard Dh came in to see if I was ok. You are one twisted (in a totally good way)genius!

[Her Bad Mother]

OMG I LOVE IT!!!! (I love you!)

ROFLMFAO - truly.

[Her Bad Mother]

OMG I LOVE IT!!!! (I love you!)

ROFLMFAO - truly.

[beebee]

We are long time cat custodians or feline staff. (you can't say "cat owner" can you?) Your observations are so on target it is scary.
BeeBee

[Heather]

Now I'm worried this is actually what my sweet, loving cats are really thinking! :PH

[Heather]

Now I'm worried this is actually what my sweet, loving cats are really thinking! :P

[Brooke]

BEST post ever! And damn those kitties have an attitude. Must be why we love them so much!